Josh (This will be a long post....)

Josh was my first oncology patient. I had only been out of nursing school for 6 months and suddenly found myself as the only chemo certified nurse on night shift. I met Josh one night in the middle of a shift after he had a bad reaction to a medication. He was 16 years old and being only 22 myself, I was able to relate to him pretty well. He had rhabdomyosarcoma- a very rare and aggressive cancer. He had a reputation on the unit as being moody and trying, so I was a little nervous about taking him on. He did ask me if I knew what I was doing the first night I had him. I came back with an equally smart alec remark and we were instant friends. His mother lived in a psychiatric unit- she had been committed and had multiple issues. His father was newly married and worked very long hours to pay medical bills. He was the youngest of 3 boys. Three months before he was diagnosed, the middle brother had committed suicide. You could say this was a dysfunctional family, and Josh had been quite the rebellious teen. He was in the hospital the last time for 9 months straight, so we became his family. No-one usually stayed the night, so he would stay up late and talk with me. He began to refer to me as his "sister" and one of the day shift nurses he called "mom". I would come see him on days off and bring him things and just talk. The tumors had spread to his spine and had paralyzed him from the waist down, so he was totally dependant on us for everything. He had a girlfriend and he was as cute as he could be. One night, he gave me Jelly Bellly jelly beans and made me guess what flavor each one was. I was ok until we got to the buttered popcorn one, which was about my hundredth one that night, and I almost got sick. He thought that was hilarious.... Towards the end of his battle, we were giving him so much morphine that it was almost humanly impossible for him to be conscious- yet he would be wide awake and in terrible pain, nothing could touch it. He began to get scared about dying. We talked about it a lot. He asked me about God (the only way we were allowed to discuss it with patients was if they brought it up.) I told him what I believed and he said he believed the same. I left it at that for the moment. One night not long after that, he woke up screaming in fright, terrified that he was going to be taken that night and was begging me to hide him so he couldn't be found. He was sweating and scared out of his mind. I sat with him for a while, calming him and holding his hand until he fell back asleep. The next night, we had a code on a 3 month old infant with leukemia. (A rare thing for infants -survival rate is about 3 percent.) She passed away about an hour later. I was so sad and so upset. I went into Josh's room and just sat by his bed in the dark, thinking he was asleep. I must have made some kind of slight noise at some point because I heard him say "Shhhh, she's asleep." I squinted at him, confused and thinking he was delusional from the morphine and when my eyes adjusted, I saw he was holding -what appeared to me to be an empty towel- but it was the way one would cradle a baby. I said, "What is going on?" He replied "Can't you see her? She just got here. She's beautiful. She's asleep." I just went along and told him, "Yes, Josh, she is sweet. Where did she come from?" He said " I don't know." He was smiling and seemed to be very deep in thought. Then he said, "Where have all the children been coming from?" I asked him what he was referring to and he told me that he had seen lots of children running and laughing in the halls and some had even come into his room and that they were so happy. I just sat there, glad that he could not see my tears in the dark room. A few minutes later, he whispered "I'm not afraid anymore." Then he just fell asleep with a smile on his face. I was just speechless. I didn't tell anyone about this for a long time for fear that I would be taken out in a vest to the looney bin. The next week, he asked for the chaplain and she came and baptized him in his room at his request and he accepted Christ into his heart that day. A week after that he was gone. I had him the night before. I went into his room after I clocked out. I was so tired. It was my 4th 12 hour night shift that week and I was about to drop. He woke up for a minute and held my hand. I told him I would stay with him and he told me to go home, that he was going to be fine. That afternoon, I got the call that he had passed about 2 hours after I left. Let me tell you that knowing him changed me. It changed my life. It changed the way I viewed death. I have not been afraid of it since then. He was an amazing person. His father, stepmother and older brother were all there with him when he passed. They had mended all the broken-ness with him about 2 weeks before. I know parts of this story sound a little "out there" ,but you are free to believe what you want. I know what I know. I know he is watching me type this and probably saying "Why aren't you telling them how cool and gorgeous I am?" I miss him. I will see him again some day. I hope this story wasn't too depressing- that is not the intention. I just wanted to share Josh with you. He was my first heart-bond to pediatric oncology nursing. I'll share another with you tomorrow. BTW- Brian surprised me tonight and told me he ordered all of the books I'll need for the certification courses in Grief Counseling. I didn't tell him that I had finally decided that is what I was going to do and he did not read my blog yesterday. Guess it is really meant to be for me to pursue it, eh? Have a good night. More tomorrow.