Cindy

Cindy was 16 when she was first diagnosed with leukemia. Her mother had just had a mastectomy and won a battle with breast cancer when Cindy was diagnosed. Her parents were very sweet, very country people. They welcomed anyone they met into their world like you were family. She was a very enjoyable patient to have. Never complained much and looked at everything with a bit of country wisdom and common sense. Her favorite pasttime was talking on her CB radio. Her dad was a trucker and so she knew a lot of his buddies from that. I remember her Make A Wish was to meet Reba McIntyre. Reba came up to the hospital and went above and beyond her committment to Cindy. She was so nice and so friendly. I was not Cindy's primary nurse, but I had her occassionally and always stopped in her room to speak to her parents and see how she was doing. The reason she stands out for me is because she was the first patient I had to ever die while under my care on my shift. We knew it was going to be any time. Cindy had been in an almost coma like state for several days. She had only had 4 teaspoons of urine output in 2 days. She was on a ton of oxygen and her saturation was still really low. She had not opened her eyes or spoken in 2 days. I took her that night knowing there was a good chance she may not survive through my shift. I went into the room, very nervous and a little afraid. Her whole family was in there holding vigil by her bed. I told them I didn't want to disturb them too much and just to call me if they needed something or if anything changed. At about 1 in the morning, her mother called me in there to ask me to come see what Cindy was doing. I went in and immediately felt that there was something "different" about the feel of the room. Hard to describe, just incredible, almost peaceful. Cindy had her eyes wide open and was laying there, reaching desperately for the ceiling and mumbling something. I had no idea what was going on. I asked another nurse and she said she had seen this many times. She said a lot of the kids will reach for the ceiling when they are dying and claim to see angels. Wow. I went back into the room, not sure if I should tell her mom or not. When I got in there, her parents were crying and smiling. Cindy was still reaching for the ceiling and not really responding to anyone in the room. I asked her mom what was wrong and she said "Cindy said "There are 3 of them, don't you see them? There are 3. They're angels.'" I got the strongest chill bumps because I realized that the feeling I sensed in that room may really be that there were angels in there. Her mom said "She really wants to go to them." I told her mom that a lot of times, the pediatric patients needed their parents permission to go. Her mom nodded and she and her father both assured Cindy that they would be ok if she went and that it was ok to go. They took her oxygen off, since it was not doing any good and seemed to be annoying her and I took her IV lines off. About an hour later, she peacefully slipped away. Her parents stayed in there for about 2 hours with her, and after they left I went in to bathe her and to do the regular procedures we had to do when a patient had passed. I thought I would be anxious about it but I wasn't. I talked to her the whole time and it was not an uncomfortable thing for me. The feeling I had felt earlier in the room was definitely gone, but I will never, ever forget that feeling. I cannot describe it, but it was amazing. Some people will say that the patients are just delusional or drugged, but Cindy had not had pain medication for at least 24 hours. It's also strange that whenever any of the kids would reach for the ceiling like this, if they could or did talk, there were always 3 angels- no more , no less. So, you can make your own deductions from that, but I can sure tell you that I know what I felt in that room. I went home and cried and cried for hours. I just had no idea how losing a patient on my watch would affect me, and it affected me greatly. Cindy was a wonderful, sweet girl and her family kept in touch with our unit for years after she passed. They were a family of very strong faith and it was obvious. I am so afraid people are going to think I'm nuts after reading these posts I'm doing, but on the other hand, I don't really care. If they impact one person, then they were worth it.