Unconditional Love

Well we are in the midst of our adoption process now and things are heating up with all of that. We've found a child who has stolen all 4 of our hearts and we are in love with this 7 year old boy. Things are up in the air with his placement decisions so a lot will depend on the results of all of that as to whether or not we would have a chance to adopt him. We got to meet him this week and he was even more wonderful than we had imagined. All of this process has had me thinking about a lot of things. One of those things is the way God loves and accepts us no matter what. When you apply for adoption through DSS, they give you a 'check list' that is 3 pages long of disorders/behavior problems/issues that these kids may have or may be at risk for, and you check off the behaviors/issues/disorders you would be willing to accept in a prospective child. If you check that you would be willing to accept a certain behavior, you then get to check off whether you would accept it in a mild/treatable form, moderate form or severe. Now- I feel like this is tremendously important for adoptions, because not all of us can handle some of these behavior issues. We had to check 'no' on a lot of them because we have 2 young daughters in our home who must be taken into consideration also, and some of the behaviors listed had to do with violent/sexual behavior and such. The reality is that we cannot consider some children because they display some of these things. This made me think about God's love for us. He would check 'yes' on all of these issues in relation to us. He accepts and loves us no matter how terrible we might be, no matter how awful we may act, no matter what kind of behavior we are exhibiting. He loves us and accepts us. Period. To know that kind of love and acceptance is just amazing. He takes us as we are and makes us whole and makes us feel valuable and loved. There is no checklist with God- there is only unconditional love. Yes, we disappoint Him sometimes, but He never stops loving us. Yes, He lets us go away from Him when we choose to do so, and He even allows us to reject Him if we choose to, but He will always be there, waiting for us to return to Him if we want- taking us in with open arms and mercy and grace. How thankful I am for that kind of love! Looking at this check list, I realize that I have displayed several of these negative behaviors at some point during my 37 years of life- and yet He loves me anyway. He knows all of my darkness and washed it away with His love and sacrifice for me. I'm a grateful lady this morning. It made my heart ache to have to check 'no' on several of the areas of this checklist, but I am human and I have to be realistic about what we can handle and what risks we can take- and I am so glad God is God and that He can handle anything. Unconditional love- what an incredible gift.

Green Is Not My Color

For the last 5 weeks, I've been taking a course at church on Wed. nights. We have about 20 courses to choose from, all kinds of topics and each session lasts 6 weeks. After 6 weeks you pick a new course. I really like it because I've found all of the courses to be very informative so far and they have all inspired me to do some 'self-evaluation'. This course I'm presently in is called "It Came From Within" and it is an Andy Stanley study about things we do that we think are bad personality traits, but that are really about issues of the heart, and issues we have with God. So far we've discussed carrying grudges and guilt, guarding our hearts against worldly values and influence, and greed and jealousy. I almost skipped the night we talked about jealousy because that's never been one of my 'issues'. Trust me, I have plenty of issues- that's just not one of them. When I was talking to the instructor about it before class she told me that I was probably just not aware of how much I actually struggle with jealousy but that after I saw how Andy Stanley explained it I would probably be surprised that I do actually struggle with it. Well, he made some good points in the video, and I agreed with everything he said (as I usually do with him). But, after all was said and done, I realized that I really do not struggle with jealousy. So, this inspired me to go home and evaluate why that is. I came to the conclusion that it is because my life is so much better than I ever thought it could be that I never think about what "better things" other people have because I am so ridiculously happy with what I have. I mean- when I look back to what my life was before I gave it over to Jesus, and compare it to now, I am so freaking amazed at how absolutely wonderful it is now that I cannot believe this is my life. And I'm not talking about being financially blessed or about the opportunities that God has provided us throughout these past 15 years. All that is just icing on the cake-and all that could disappear today and I would still be content. It's because I know how truly blessed I am with the things that matter. I realize that most people in this world would trade places with me in a heartbeat. So, I guess that I don't think about what other people might have that I don't have because I'm so amazed at what I do have-again not talking about material things. I'm not trying to brag- this is nothing that I get credit for- it's all God and it is because He has allowed me to have this life and it is because I finally surrendered this life to Him- that makes my life wonderful. No matter what happens, nothing can touch my happiness because it is in my relationship with Him that my happiness resides. We have a lot of 'stuff'. A lot of nice 'stuff'- but we don't need that stuff to be happy. It's nice and we enjoy it, but it's not necessary for us to be happy. So, I guess that jealously just doesn't enter my mind because I know that I am so much happier than I ever imagined I could be, and I know things could have been a lot worse for me. My life is not perfect, but God is always with me and that is all I need to know- it makes all the difference. Don't waste your time wishing for something that someone else has. Look at your life and don't take your blessings for granted- we all have something to be thankful for. Now, next week in class we'll be talking about anger and that is where I'll get my toes stepped on. I have issues with my temper- I've made great strides over the past several years, but I still have work to do........ I guess we all struggle with something and that is my hurdle. I'm looking forward to the advice that will be given for that.

The Lucky Ones

So, a few weeks ago we went with the girls school to hand out blankets, coats, gloves, hats and food to the less fortunate and homeless downtown. We set up booths out of the backs of trucks and I was at the blanket station. The girls went with us and we were all a little anxious- didn't know what to expect. We had gone out in the days before this and raided all of the Goodwill and Miracle Hill stores and bought all kinds of blankets and heavy coats to donate to this endeavor. When we arrived, it was raining and there were people lined up waiting on us, shouting things and being rude and pushy with each other because they wanted to be first to choose what they needed and they wanted to make sure they got what they came for. Their shouting and arguing scared the girls, but we explained to them that these people were desperate for the things we were handing out and that they were scared they wouldn't get anything. Of course, the people didn't know that we had hundreds of blankets and coats, but when they saw us dragging it all out, they relaxed some and quietened down. We were at the blanket booth. We separated all of the blankets by size and thickness. There was a special pile of twin sized fleece throws just for the children. I asked the lady in charge how to determine who to give the large, thick king sized blankets to since we didn't have as many of those. She told me I had to ask each person if they sleep outside or not, and if they answered 'yes', then we would give them a big, warmer blanket. "Wait a minute," I thought, "You mean we have to actually ask people if they sleep outside??" Just the thought of that made my stomach drop. But since that was the only way to determine how to give out the bigger blankets, that was just the way it was going to have to be. And so, we asked people, one by one, if they slept outside. After about 15 people came through, we had someone answer "Yes ma'am". He smiled at us when he said it and he was very polite. I knew the answer was yes before we even asked- he looked like he had been living outside for quite some time. We chose a big blanket and handed it to him. He thanked us and went on his way. My oldest daughter just stood there with tears in her eyes and stared into space. Don't get me wrong- I know people are homeless- I know people sleep outside. But to have to look someone in the eyes and ask them if they do and then hear them answer 'yes' and just hand them a blanket and send them on their way was really really difficult. It affected all of us. We gave out all of our blankets- the ones who slept outside were especially grateful for them. One man was so excited to get a ratty, used (but very warm and no holes) blanket we had picked up at Goodwill that he smiled so big his eyes disappeared and said "I am just SO thankful for this!!" It brought tears to my eyes. When I got into my warm, soft, safe bed that night, the question kept running through my mind "Do you sleep outside? Do you sleep outside? Do you sleep outside?" I was so grateful for my life, and yet felt so helpless at the same time. I felt guilty for having the things I have, and for stressing about the ridiculous things I stress about. The good thing that came out of it, besides the fact that I know that at least the people sleeping outside are a little warmer because of those blankets and coats, is that I have learned what contentment feels like. I've learned that I can very easily be extremely happy and content right where I am, no matter what the circumstances are. Because my happiness and my level of content do not depend on circumstances. They depend on Jesus- and He is the only place to find true joy and contentment- and He is just as much there for the ones who sleep outside as He is for me. What happens in this world is just a blink in the eye of eternity. I pray that these people we met would be able to feel that love that only God can give and that it will bring them comfort- no matter what their circumstances are. My girls have also learned that lesson. They pray for these people we met every single night- my heart melts at the sincerity in their child prayers. And so, Christmas was wonderful, not because of the gifts or the food, but because I was so hyper aware of the reason for the season. I am happy to ring in this new year. I don't know what it holds- but whatever it is, I will be content and I will find my joy in Jesus. Hoping all who read will have a peaceful 2012 full of happiness.

Had a wonderfully exhausting day today. Church service was so good- the songs were very uplifting and it energized me to be there. Then we took a lady we've sort of 'adopted' into our family out for her 70th b-day at lunch. She grew up in a foster home and was never adopted- has no family, never been married, but a sweet lady. We met her because she used to keep our dog for us when we went out of town. So it was nice to be able to spend time with her today. After that, we came home and I curled the girls' hair and dressed them up in their holiday dresses and we went to their Christmas program at their school. It was probably the best kids Christmas program I've ever seen. The music was so moving, and the kids were so into their singing and interpretive movements that it was just beautiful. Not many things bring tears to my eyes, but that program did. They did a wonderful job focusing on the true meaning of Christmas and it was good for us to be reminded of that. I'm so thankful for their tiny little private Christian school. They're so happy there and they are loved there.
Brian's office party was last night- and it is always a ton of fun. We played a lot of games and Santa was there and we had a DJ and karaoke. Everyone really enjoyed themselves. But I was so hyped up when we got home at midnight that I couldn't fall asleep- so I ended up with about 3 hours of sleep and I am feeling that now. It doesn't help that I have a warm kitten asleep in my lap and the only light in here is coming from my computer and the lights on the Christmas tree. What a great day. I feel so blessed to be able to say that. I do have a heavy heart tonight. One of Emmaline's 8 year old friends just found out that her mom's experimental chemo did not work, and they have given her mother 3 weeks to live. I just cannot imagine. There are 3 young children (I think the oldest is 11- the youngest is 6) and I tried to think of what it must be like to hear that kind of news- not only as the mother, but as the child. I pray that God will draw near to that family and that they will feel the comfort that only He can give. Life is such a precious gift.

Joy Comes In the Morning

Woke up still in a bad mood- have been trying hard all day to change my attitude and thankfully, the day has improved and I expect to wake up tomorrow feeling good again. I know I really have nothing to be stressed about- sometimes I just let little things get to me. Our family of four actually sat down at the dinner table tonight over some chicken, made from scratch mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese (Southern style, of course). And it was nice to reconnect like that. Didn't hurt that the food was really good, too! This week has been so hectic that it has been a few days since we've been able to do that- and dinner together is very important in my book. I also enjoy cooking, and it has been a while since I've had time to make anything good. I also think that doing grief counseling has helped me tremendously with my view on things. When I talk to people who have truly been through heart wrenching times, it puts my so-called 'troubles' in perspective.
Today it was so nice not to have to go anywhere (with the exception of the grocery store) and I don't have to go anywhere tomorrow, either. I need to get some things done in this house- there is cleaning and organizing that needs to be done and I'm the one who needs to do it.... I've been thinking a lot lately about the amount of time I spend in prayer and how I can see that it is directly related to my stress most of the time. I've decided I need to increase that time- especially since recently there have been days that have gone by without me saying anything other than the blessing at mealtimes. It's so important to me to have that time alone with God and I miss it when I don't have it. Do you feel alone- unloved- stressed- like you don't know where to turn? Talk to God-tell Him everything- He wants you to and He is waiting for you. He loves you like no-one else ever could. I promise you won't regret it!

They Can't All Be Great Days....

Today was one of the busiest days I've had in a long time. Had to drive to G'ville (30 mins) to counsel a client at my office. Drove back here to get the girls from school. Immediately drove back to G'ville to take Emmaline to ballet, was there for an hour for her class, came home and cooked dinner, left (without eating) to go counsel another client in a different town. On my way home from that, picked Annelise up from bball practice and finally got home around 8:30. But, even though it was a super busy day, I was in a very good mood. Funny how quickly that can change sometimes. Came home to a mess, Emmaline still not in the bed, and my (normally sweet) husband just goes off on me for absolutely no reason. I'm exhausted- I'm now in a very bad mood- I think it's time to call it a night. I've been reading a book about living a life of gratitude and thankfulness- but I just am in no mood tonight. I'm so glad that I don't have to be anywhere tomorrow and Thursday.....

Upside Down, Inside Out, Round and Round

Wow- what a roller coaster these past couple of months have been. Long story short- the girls are back at their old little private school here and we have taken our house off of the market for the time being. So much confusion..... The girls' new school ended up being a total nightmare. It was twice as much as the little school they went to here, the curriculum was not nearly as challenging and there was one little girl in each of their classes who just ruined the whole experience for them both. E had a girl in her class who would go home and look at internet porn, and then come back and describe everything she saw to the other girls in class (these are 8 year old girls!!). Every week, this same little girl would do or say something that would just absolutely blow my mind because 8 year old girls should not be doing or saying the things this little girl was. Then in A's class, a girl was teaching all the other girls all of the curse words, including the F-bomb, and she was also teaching the girls how to say the words in Greek so the teachers wouldn't know they were cursing. I am disgusted at the fact that not only have my girls gotten 'educated' on all of these things at a so-called private Christian school, but that we paid for them to be in that environment! We've been so careful to protect them from this stuff for so many years, and in the two months they were there, I feel like so much of what we've done was unraveled. We never had any incidents even close to those at the little school they're at here. So- we've taken the house off of the market for now and put them back into the school here- and everyone's much happier now- including the girls. I can't undo what was done at that school- I can't make them un-hear and un-see what they saw and heard. But I am so thankful that they feel comfortable enough with me to have told me about all of it- and that they did not participate in any of it themselves. They aren't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but they're good girls. I still really want to move back to the Eastside- because everything we do is over there (well, except for school- but this school here would only be about 20 mins from where we'd live out there- and they'll only be at this school for a few more years...) We just don't know what to do. So- since we know that God is not the author of confusion- we've decided that we are just going to sit back and let Him work this out any way He sees fit. For the first time ever, we're fully trusting that He will intervene however He wants, and that means that we don't do anything but pray and wait. Not wait with anxiety, but wait with hope and excitement to see what His will is going to be. If He wants us to stay here and continue to drive 30 minutes to all of our activities and such- then that is what we will do and we will be happy to do it. But, if He wants us to move back to the Eastside, then He will send a buyer for this house at the right time and He is perfectly able to do that with or without a real estate agent or a sign in the yard. I sometimes have to remind myself that God does not need our help or our advice. And so, I am happy and I am content for the first time in a long time. I so desperately want to be 'settled'- to know that I am 'home' (as 'home' as I can be on this Earth, anyway)- but I am going to excitedly and expectantly await for God to show us what He wants for us, and that feels good. Everything else is going so well. I have recently finished a very challenging course- the 7th out of 10 in this Master's Degree program I'm in. I'm taking a break from school until after the holidays so I can enjoy them and so I can spend time with the girls. I have all of my Christmas shopping done, and all of the decorations are up and they look so beautiful. I am so truly blessed and I am so grateful to have the life that I have. It feels good to have peace inside. May each of you who reads this know the love and peace of the God who cares so deeply for you this Christmas season.