Faith Like a Grain of Mustard Seed

I was able to just let go of this stress about wanting to move back and let God handle it. I know if He thinks we'll be happier back in G'ville that He'll make sure we get back out there, and if not, there's a good reason that I just don't know about yet that we're here. So, either way, as long as He's in charge, I'm good. I'm still a little sad and if I let myself -I'll worry, but I'm much better than I was. The nice weather helped lift my spirits some. Aunt Libby came and got the girls on Friday to spend the night with her, so I just sat on our front porch in a rocker and enjoyed the sun and the birds and the breeze. A lot of thoughts came into my mind during the hour or so I was out there. One was, We're not really supposed to feel at home anywhere here, because this Earth is not our 'home'. Also, Brian gets very stressed out at the thought of moving, so he isn't real hot on the idea at all. I thought about that and was reminded that when you really love someone, their wants should come before yours. That's hard for me, but I do really love him, so I told him I would agree to give it a year or so here in P'ville to see if things get better. He seemed to be happy with that. I do worry that our house in G'ville will sell during that time and we will have lost it, but if that happens, I'll know it just wasn't God's will for us to be back there. So, for now, I'm ok. I'm better. But there's a small part of me inside that is still holding on to the possiblity that a miracle will occur and we'll move back. It's just not getting to me like it was. I keep thinking of an illustration I used for a youth group once. I told them that only God knows what's best for us, because only He can see the 'big picture'. It's like when a baby wants a quarter so bad, they cry for it, they scream for it, they try their best to get it. But the parent doesn't give it to them because they know the baby will put it in their mouth and choke. But the baby doesn't understand that - they just know they want it, and they get angry with the parent for not giving it to them. Well, I know that maybe the house in G'ville is my quarter. Maybe it's not in our best interest to go back and I just can't see it because I want it so bad. That's why I have to trust God. He knows and only He knows. We'll see. For now I'm just going to go on with life and do my best here at this house. I'm just thankful that I'm not as upset as I was last week. It's amazing what happens when you just let go. It's also amazing that God actually wants us to give Him our burdens and our problems, even when He knows that we're in a mess that we created ourselves, He's still willing to get us out of it if we will have faith and trust Him. Well- I'm off to a meeting. Just wanted to update and get all of this off my chest. Looking for a better week!

Soul Searching

So, we've been living here in P'ville for about 7 months now. The house is wonderful and P'ville is cool. My neighbors are all nice and their kids are well-behaved and great. And I hate it. All of it. I don't know what's wrong with me. What is wrong with me???? I am missing my little 1968 tri-level in our old town so much I can hardly stand it. I started feeling this way immediately after we moved. Something about that place just feels like home. I've never felt that way before about any house we've moved from. (And trust me- we've moved a LOT.) I have never missed a house we've moved from. The bigger problem is, my daughters both feel the same way. I try not to mention it or talk about it, but they will bring it up and Annelise has cried over it several times. I thought maybe that after I had a few holidays and birthdays here in the new house it would feel more like home. Nope. It's only gotten worse over time. Plus, our old house hasn't sold, yet. I almost don't want it to. As long as we still own it, there's a chance we could go back. The worst thing is that Brian is so far from his work in this new house, that he only makes it home to eat dinner with us about 2 times a week. Eating dinner together as a family is a big deal to me. There are so many reasons that we should have never moved- of course hindsight is always 20/20, right? We're stuck under this huge house payment now, which is triple what our one at our old house was. We realized when we worked it out on paper that we could have been debt free in about 5 years if we had just stayed in that house. Debt FREE. None of this even crossed my mind before now. This was my choice to move here, my choice to build this house, all mine. I feel totally responsible for my girls missing their 'home' and wanting to go back. They won't play outside here, either because they say I 'took everything away from them that they loved about the outside'- their creek and their trees and their big yard..... Looking back, I know I didn't pray enough about this decision. I just made a snap decision and thought this was a great idea and did it. Now I'm just praying that God will do one of two things for me: that He will either make this house start feeling like home for all of us, or that He would make a way for us to move back to our old house without suffering financial consequences from this new house. I know God is in control. He has cleaned up my messes before- it amazes me that He continues to do this for me after I have made sooo many mistakes- and I know He will help me with this one. I just am so desperate to stop feeling this way. I can truly say that I have learned my lesson. I want to give total control of my life to God. He knows what is best for me and my family and I trust that completely. I just hate that I find myself grovelling to Him yet again, for a mess that I've created. My poor husband- he is not on board with moving because of how much money we have invested in this house- but he still finds it in his heart to feel for me and to love me anyway. I think that in his heart of hearts he would want to move back, too- he just won't admit it. My big fear is that if someone does buy our old house, will we have given up the ONLY place that has ever felt like home to us? Will we regret this for the rest of our lives? I'm carrying a lot of stress about this right now. I need prayer. I need to rest in God. I need to be still and listen. I'm trying really hard. I've come to a place within myself where I am just done. I'm done. I'm ready to give it up and let God take control. I know it took a while for Him to break my stubborn spirit, but it's done, now and I'm ready to listen. People say "Well, your home is where you make it," and blah blah blah. I try to believe that, but something about that little house in G'ville found it's way into our hearts. I guess I didn't realize how much of a life we had established for ourselves out there and now it's upside down. Emmaline's ballet is there, our best friends are there, Brian's work is there, and all of the good private schools are there. I don't know. I just know I'm emotionally exhausted and I want to be settled. I want peace- which I know doesn't come from a house, but feeling at home can give a lot of peace. Feeling like you're where you're supposed to be is a big deal. Anyway- if you could send a prayer up for me- it would be greatly appreciated. I know this is so petty compared to what most people have going on in their lives, but it's major for me. Oh, well- just had to get that out. Otherwise, everything else is great. I'm about to start my third course in the Master's Degree program for grief counseling. This third course is a big one, because after I complete it, I'll be certified to do grief counseling. But- it has 24 papers that I will have to write assigned within it. It's gonna send me over the edge! School distracts me, so I think it will be a good thing. I'll begin it the week after next. Until then I am trying to get some things done so I won't be stressed about doing all of it while trying to write 24 papers.... I have not had a chance to catch up on everyone else's blogs, so I'm gonna try to do that, too. I've been thinking about everyone (and keeping up with some of you on Facebook!). We'll see what God does with this house thing. I'm so glad He is faithful!