Slacker Queen

Okay- so I am the worst slacker in blog world right now (besides Mr. Paranoia)... Sorry. I am attempting to clean up the house, which looks like Toys R Us puked in it, and I de-Christmased the house yesterday- an all day affair. Today I'm gonna bathe the girls and then hit Target to see if there are any good deals left. I've also been distracted by all of the bowl games on TV lately- held my eyes open with toothpicks last night to see Mizzou beat N'Western in overtime..... But- our Christmas was great and I'll post pics soon. I've already wrapped 8 presents for next Christmas (that's right, you heard me- are ya jealous??) And we did finally find an artificial tree that I think will do at Garden Ridge last night- AND it was half off. So, even though it has been pure chaos, it has been good...... Our second floor should be framed by the end of this week, so I'll be taking some pics there, too. I've bought a ton of light fixtures online that I wanted to post, so this is gonna be one busy blog here soon. Until then- have a great week and a Happy New Year!!

Cat Torture

"Santa Claws" a.k.a.- Willie

"Mrs. Claws" a.k.a.- Annabelle

"Clyde the Happy Elf" (doesn't he look thrilled?)

"Santa Claws Willie" says "Meowy Christmas!!"

Ok, so I know this was pretty mean, but when I saw these cat hat costumes at Target I knew I wouldn't be able to help myself. Talk about a fight. Boy these cats were not too happy with me. Willie wouldn't even hold his head up when I put his on. I think the beard freaked him out. He just dragged his face on the ground like it weighed a hundred pounds or something. Hee-hee. And you can see how excited Clyde was about the whole thing. He fought me for a minute, then realized he was just going to have to cooperate, so he just became a ragdoll, but I think he was giving me the death stare..... Mean, but hilarious. Anyway- I am home this morning, with a sick Annelise. She got home from school yesterday and promptly threw up in the driveway. I can't believe she didn't do it in my car. So, after several vomits and diarrhea episodes, she got an injection of Phenergan last night and has been asleep ever since. (One of those times I am so happy to be married to a pediatrician!) She is missing her class Christmas party today. Poor kid. B had to take Emmaline to school because he is cooking the pancakes in the room for her class party brunch. All the kids get to wear their PJ's to school today, too, so she was excited about that. (However, when it gets to 70 degrees today, she is going to be a little hot in her snowman pj's....We've had the air conditioning on for 2 days now in the house!!) She gets out at 11:30, so she'll be fine. They are supposed to go spend the night with my parents tonight, but we'll see how Annelise is after she wakes up. I don't want her "spreading the joy". Hope you enjoy the cat pics. I have a feeling it will be one of the only times they will be caught in those costumes...... :0)

Christmas Memories

I don't know about y'all, but Christmas has kind of snuck up on me this year. It seemed like just last month we were starting back to school and then bam, it's Christmas! I am so so so glad to be done shopping and wrapping I could just cry. I am usually done by October or earlier, but with the house and stuff this year I've been preoccupied. I would not get out into those crowds if you paid me. I cannot stand the traffic and the craziness and the crowds and lines, etc, etc.... So, even though there are people who actually enjoy all that mess, I like knowing that I can sit at home and watch Christmas movies with the girls and just do whatever. Next week the girls and I will be doing the Christmas baking, so I am already preparing for that. Seeing the Christmas movies on TV reminds me of a funny childhood Christmas experience. I thought I'd share it. I was about 6 years old and was at my grandparent's house for Christmas Eve. Their house was my favorite place to be at Christmas so my parents would drop me off early so I could enjoy being there before all of the family arrived. This particular year I was laying in the living room floor watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". One of my absolute favorite movies. I could smell my grandmother's cooking all over the house and I was starting to get hungry. I went into the dining room to see if there was anything to nibble on. I saw crackers (boring) , cheese, condiments, etc- stuff adults liked, but I really wanted something sweet. Then I spotted them. These beautiful iridescent looking candy balls in an antique dish right next to the silverware. They were so pretty and I just knew they would taste incredible. I snuck one out and hid it in my pocket and went back into the den to finish the movie. I laid on my belly in front of the TV and slid out my luscious candy. I put it in my mouth. Hmmm, didn't quite taste like I thought it would. Then the "skin" on it dissolved and one of the worst tastes I can ever remember just started pouring in. It was awful. I ran to the kitchen and spit it out in the trash, but the liquid just stuck to the inside of my mouth like glue. I was nauseated and coughing and gagging. My grandmother came in to see what all of the fuss was about and I fessed up about what I had done. She laughed so hard she cried. She said "Jessica, that's not candy, those are bubble bath gel balls." Y'all remember those things? I don't think they make them anymore, but I will never forget them. Good grief that was so nasty. That taste was in my mouth until the next morning. Taught me a lesson about sneaking stuff before dinner, though! I can't wait to start baking next week with the girls. Along with our traditional cookies, I am trying some new recipes from another blog friend this season and they look so good! I'll post pics of our "creations". I'm gonna have to wear elastic waistband pants for the rest of this year.......

Tree Trouble

Crazy, crazy times here. House will have 1st floor walls being framed this week. (IF it ever stops raining, that is.) Last time we built it was started during a drought. We started construction and it poured and poured for weeks. Looks like the same thing, now. Rained last week and is supposed to rain all this week. Oh, well- not much I can do about it and hopefully it will fill up the lakes! Anyway- I've gotten a few good deals on stuff for the house in the past couple weeks, but that is a separate post..... I'll get to this one's subject. Ok- it's about our youngest cat, Annabelle, the little girl calico. She's pretty much my cat and sleeps beside my head at night and loves me the most, blah blah. Anyone who knows me knows that I treat my cats like they're my kids sometimes and she is no exception. So, I got concerned a couple of weeks ago when I saw that she was getting these "scab" like things on her neck and the side of her face. She started scratching them until they were the size of dimes and bleeding all into her fur. I asked B what he thought it may be and he guessed that maybe when the cats were play-fighting, she got nicked with a back claw and scratched it until it turned into a sore. I didn't buy it, because they fight all year long and this only happened twice. Once last winter and once this one. She'd also been laying around a lot and acting like she felt bad. So last night, I couldn't go to sleep and I started thinking about what it could be that is wrong with her. I knew it happened last winter. I knew it had started this time about 2 weeks ago. I knew when it happened last winter that all of a sudden it just went away. Then I figured it out. It's the Christmas tree. She must be allergic to it. Shoot. As soon as B woke up, I told him I had figured it out and he couldn't believe he didn't realize it before me. Poor little Annabelle. I had started calling her "Scabby" and it was our fault she was suffering! SO, needless to say, she's going to be getting a cortisone shot tomorrow and also be given Benadryl until the tree goes out right after Christmas. Then we will be looking for some realistic artificial trees (hopefully on sale) to get for the next 10-15 years. We've always had real trees, but we really don't have a choice, cause I am not getting rid of that cat. If anyone knows of any realistic looking artificial trees, let me know where to find them! I love the ones on http://www.balsamhill.com/ , but they are a bit expensive..... I have started reading the first book in my grief counseling curriculum. It just makes perfect sense to me, which I think is great because it encourages me that I am on the right track. I've only made it through a couple of chapters, but so far it is all making sense and clicking for me. We'll see how it goes. I'm excited about it. Well, enough for now- gotta hit the sheets. Early morning tomorrow!

Hope

Hope- my last story to tell about the patients who have a forever spot in my heart. She was named so appropriately. She was 6 when she was diagnosed with leukemia. That was in 1999. I had her her first day there and just absolutely adored her. She was so darn cute and her family was so nice and wonderful. She started requesting me whenever I was on the schedule and she would only let me poke her finger because she said it didn't hurt as bad when I did it. She never fought us on anything, and she was just so sweet. The thing that stands out to me about Hope is her faith. Man, that child had more faith in her pinky than I have total. She would tell everyone about how good God is and about how much Jesus loves them. She witnessed to the baggers at the grocery store and to anyone else who met her. There is no impact like a child whose hair has fallen out and who is only 6- with pain and sickness and all kinds of bad stuff going on- telling you about how awesome and amazing God is. Made me realize that if she could praise Him continuously, then I certainly had no reason not to. Hope got chemo treatments for 2 and a half years and was in remission after that for 3 years. Then, in 2005, at age 12, she relapsed. Her parents had to decide whether to go through chemo again or to go for the bone marrow transplant. Her 4 year old brother turned out to be a perfect match, so they went for the transplant. She was at Duke for 6 months during that time, but came home and eventually went back to school and a somewhat "normal" life. She posts frequently on her Caring Bridge site and she still talks about how awesome and amazing God is. She even talks about how she gets persecuted at school for it and she just keeps doing it anyway. If you have never been to the Caring Bridge website, you should check it out. Hope is just a huge bright spot in my life and I still talk with her from time to time through Caring Bridge. I pray that she has a long, happy life ahead. Some of the greatest examples of strength, courage, and faith that I have ever seen or will ever see have been shown to me through children, through working on that unit. It is incredible what I learned there and how it made a difference in my life. There are so many kids that have touched my heart in many ways, but I wanted to talk about these few and share them with you. I feel really fortunate to have known them and to have loved them and been a part of their lives.

Brandon

You know the saying "I love that child like he is one of my own." ? Well, that would be Brandon for me. I admitted him to the unit the first night he came in, and fell in love, instant love. He was 3 years old at the time. Pudgy little cheeks, skin as black as night, and as cute as anyone could ever be. His mom brought him to the ER after he had been awake most of the night complaining of ankle pain. She was told in the ER that it was likely leukemia. She came up to the unit shocked and crying and flipping out, like anyone would. I spent a long long time talking to her, even though we were slammed on the unit (we got 8 admissions that night on a shoestring staff). I didn't have children and I was single at the time, so work was my life. Brandon's mom was single, with him and an 18 month old at home. She worked 2 jobs and she was very young and naive. I don't think she ever really understood how serious his diagnosis was. He was the sweetest child I ever had up there. He would cooperate, no matter how painful or awful the procedures we had to do to him were. When I came in at 5 a.m. every morning to draw blood, he would sometimes already be awake and all he would ask is that I would be very quiet so as not to wake his mother because he knew she needed her rest. (A 3-year old, mind you.) That boy loved his mama. Since mom was not able to be there a lot, I would come up on my days off and stay with him, bring movies and snacks and such. He drew me lots of pictures and grew really attached. Brian and I would even go and get him and take him home with us and out to eat and stuff when he wasn't in the hospital. I loved that child..... When I told him Brian had asked me to marry him and I said yes, he was so mad at me. He wouldn't talk to me for hours. He eventually told me that he was going to come and "take me away" on a red motorcycle and that I was going to come live with him and not marry Brian. I was touched by his adorable jealousy. Eventually he went into remission and I kept in touch with his mom off and on for a while, but also wanted to give them their "normal" lives back, so I stopped checking in after a while. I got pregnant with Annelise during those years and when I went out on maternity leave Brandon relapsed. I came back to work 12 weeks later and saw a sign on the board, "Brandon S. is at Duke and has been given 24 hours." I almost collapsed. The staff all thought someone had called me. I had a new phone number so I don't know if his mom ever tried to call me or not. I was devastated. A few days later, I went to his funeral and his mom ran over to me and we hugged and just cried and cried. Brandon made it to age 7. He had found out I was pregnant and he had made my baby a "good luck" charm. It was a little peach colored ceramic heart. I still have it and it is one of my most prized possessions. I wonder if , now that he's in Heaven, he finally got a giant Clifford dog like he always wanted. I wonder if he has that red motorcycle. I know he will be one of the ones greeting me at the gates when I get there. I miss him tremendously. People may say that you shouldn't get attached to your patients, but I think if you don't have a special connection with at least a few , there may be something wrong with you in the heart department. Just my opinion. I have one more patient to tell about tomorrow and then I'll get back to regular blog stuff. It has been nice to share these kids with others.

Cindy

Cindy was 16 when she was first diagnosed with leukemia. Her mother had just had a mastectomy and won a battle with breast cancer when Cindy was diagnosed. Her parents were very sweet, very country people. They welcomed anyone they met into their world like you were family. She was a very enjoyable patient to have. Never complained much and looked at everything with a bit of country wisdom and common sense. Her favorite pasttime was talking on her CB radio. Her dad was a trucker and so she knew a lot of his buddies from that. I remember her Make A Wish was to meet Reba McIntyre. Reba came up to the hospital and went above and beyond her committment to Cindy. She was so nice and so friendly. I was not Cindy's primary nurse, but I had her occassionally and always stopped in her room to speak to her parents and see how she was doing. The reason she stands out for me is because she was the first patient I had to ever die while under my care on my shift. We knew it was going to be any time. Cindy had been in an almost coma like state for several days. She had only had 4 teaspoons of urine output in 2 days. She was on a ton of oxygen and her saturation was still really low. She had not opened her eyes or spoken in 2 days. I took her that night knowing there was a good chance she may not survive through my shift. I went into the room, very nervous and a little afraid. Her whole family was in there holding vigil by her bed. I told them I didn't want to disturb them too much and just to call me if they needed something or if anything changed. At about 1 in the morning, her mother called me in there to ask me to come see what Cindy was doing. I went in and immediately felt that there was something "different" about the feel of the room. Hard to describe, just incredible, almost peaceful. Cindy had her eyes wide open and was laying there, reaching desperately for the ceiling and mumbling something. I had no idea what was going on. I asked another nurse and she said she had seen this many times. She said a lot of the kids will reach for the ceiling when they are dying and claim to see angels. Wow. I went back into the room, not sure if I should tell her mom or not. When I got in there, her parents were crying and smiling. Cindy was still reaching for the ceiling and not really responding to anyone in the room. I asked her mom what was wrong and she said "Cindy said "There are 3 of them, don't you see them? There are 3. They're angels.'" I got the strongest chill bumps because I realized that the feeling I sensed in that room may really be that there were angels in there. Her mom said "She really wants to go to them." I told her mom that a lot of times, the pediatric patients needed their parents permission to go. Her mom nodded and she and her father both assured Cindy that they would be ok if she went and that it was ok to go. They took her oxygen off, since it was not doing any good and seemed to be annoying her and I took her IV lines off. About an hour later, she peacefully slipped away. Her parents stayed in there for about 2 hours with her, and after they left I went in to bathe her and to do the regular procedures we had to do when a patient had passed. I thought I would be anxious about it but I wasn't. I talked to her the whole time and it was not an uncomfortable thing for me. The feeling I had felt earlier in the room was definitely gone, but I will never, ever forget that feeling. I cannot describe it, but it was amazing. Some people will say that the patients are just delusional or drugged, but Cindy had not had pain medication for at least 24 hours. It's also strange that whenever any of the kids would reach for the ceiling like this, if they could or did talk, there were always 3 angels- no more , no less. So, you can make your own deductions from that, but I can sure tell you that I know what I felt in that room. I went home and cried and cried for hours. I just had no idea how losing a patient on my watch would affect me, and it affected me greatly. Cindy was a wonderful, sweet girl and her family kept in touch with our unit for years after she passed. They were a family of very strong faith and it was obvious. I am so afraid people are going to think I'm nuts after reading these posts I'm doing, but on the other hand, I don't really care. If they impact one person, then they were worth it.

Josh (This will be a long post....)

Josh was my first oncology patient. I had only been out of nursing school for 6 months and suddenly found myself as the only chemo certified nurse on night shift. I met Josh one night in the middle of a shift after he had a bad reaction to a medication. He was 16 years old and being only 22 myself, I was able to relate to him pretty well. He had rhabdomyosarcoma- a very rare and aggressive cancer. He had a reputation on the unit as being moody and trying, so I was a little nervous about taking him on. He did ask me if I knew what I was doing the first night I had him. I came back with an equally smart alec remark and we were instant friends. His mother lived in a psychiatric unit- she had been committed and had multiple issues. His father was newly married and worked very long hours to pay medical bills. He was the youngest of 3 boys. Three months before he was diagnosed, the middle brother had committed suicide. You could say this was a dysfunctional family, and Josh had been quite the rebellious teen. He was in the hospital the last time for 9 months straight, so we became his family. No-one usually stayed the night, so he would stay up late and talk with me. He began to refer to me as his "sister" and one of the day shift nurses he called "mom". I would come see him on days off and bring him things and just talk. The tumors had spread to his spine and had paralyzed him from the waist down, so he was totally dependant on us for everything. He had a girlfriend and he was as cute as he could be. One night, he gave me Jelly Bellly jelly beans and made me guess what flavor each one was. I was ok until we got to the buttered popcorn one, which was about my hundredth one that night, and I almost got sick. He thought that was hilarious.... Towards the end of his battle, we were giving him so much morphine that it was almost humanly impossible for him to be conscious- yet he would be wide awake and in terrible pain, nothing could touch it. He began to get scared about dying. We talked about it a lot. He asked me about God (the only way we were allowed to discuss it with patients was if they brought it up.) I told him what I believed and he said he believed the same. I left it at that for the moment. One night not long after that, he woke up screaming in fright, terrified that he was going to be taken that night and was begging me to hide him so he couldn't be found. He was sweating and scared out of his mind. I sat with him for a while, calming him and holding his hand until he fell back asleep. The next night, we had a code on a 3 month old infant with leukemia. (A rare thing for infants -survival rate is about 3 percent.) She passed away about an hour later. I was so sad and so upset. I went into Josh's room and just sat by his bed in the dark, thinking he was asleep. I must have made some kind of slight noise at some point because I heard him say "Shhhh, she's asleep." I squinted at him, confused and thinking he was delusional from the morphine and when my eyes adjusted, I saw he was holding -what appeared to me to be an empty towel- but it was the way one would cradle a baby. I said, "What is going on?" He replied "Can't you see her? She just got here. She's beautiful. She's asleep." I just went along and told him, "Yes, Josh, she is sweet. Where did she come from?" He said " I don't know." He was smiling and seemed to be very deep in thought. Then he said, "Where have all the children been coming from?" I asked him what he was referring to and he told me that he had seen lots of children running and laughing in the halls and some had even come into his room and that they were so happy. I just sat there, glad that he could not see my tears in the dark room. A few minutes later, he whispered "I'm not afraid anymore." Then he just fell asleep with a smile on his face. I was just speechless. I didn't tell anyone about this for a long time for fear that I would be taken out in a vest to the looney bin. The next week, he asked for the chaplain and she came and baptized him in his room at his request and he accepted Christ into his heart that day. A week after that he was gone. I had him the night before. I went into his room after I clocked out. I was so tired. It was my 4th 12 hour night shift that week and I was about to drop. He woke up for a minute and held my hand. I told him I would stay with him and he told me to go home, that he was going to be fine. That afternoon, I got the call that he had passed about 2 hours after I left. Let me tell you that knowing him changed me. It changed my life. It changed the way I viewed death. I have not been afraid of it since then. He was an amazing person. His father, stepmother and older brother were all there with him when he passed. They had mended all the broken-ness with him about 2 weeks before. I know parts of this story sound a little "out there" ,but you are free to believe what you want. I know what I know. I know he is watching me type this and probably saying "Why aren't you telling them how cool and gorgeous I am?" I miss him. I will see him again some day. I hope this story wasn't too depressing- that is not the intention. I just wanted to share Josh with you. He was my first heart-bond to pediatric oncology nursing. I'll share another with you tomorrow. BTW- Brian surprised me tonight and told me he ordered all of the books I'll need for the certification courses in Grief Counseling. I didn't tell him that I had finally decided that is what I was going to do and he did not read my blog yesterday. Guess it is really meant to be for me to pursue it, eh? Have a good night. More tomorrow.

Breathing a Sigh of Relief

Whew- this weekend is done. I am not excited that tomorrow is already Monday, but I am so glad my "to do" list for this weekend is done. B's office Christmas party was great and everyone seemed to really enjoy themselves. The baby shower I had here today went off without a hitch and even though we only had a few people, I really enjoyed the adult time and my house is cleaner than it has been in about a year. B took the girls to see the Nutcracker ballet for the first time while I had the shower. It was fulfilling a lifelong dream for Emmaline and she is more excited about taking ballet now than ever. I have done a lot of thinking this weekend. It was one of those "one thought leads to another" things. I had heard before the Christmas party that one of the other few privately-owned pediatric practices here was really struggling and was being bought out by the hospital. I felt for those docs. B was told when he wanted to open his practice "You'll never make it. You should not do that. Private practices rarely survive." Etc.... We had to go to 5 banks before we found one that would take a leap of faith and loan us the money to open the practice. Then it was a lot of work and prayer for several years after that. When I went to the Christmas party Friday night, I looked around the room at all the staff and it was just amazing to me at how we have been blessed. Our first party was held at our home with about 12 people (that included staff spouses). Now,8 years later, we have about 45 people in the room. God has been so good to us. I was asked several times this weekend what my plans are for my career. I know I was not "called" to do phone triage, but while the girls have been young and not in all-day school it has been wonderful to be able to do that. I really want to go back to Pediatric Oncology (where my heart is and where I spent 10 years of my nursing career). But, I don't want to go back to working weekends and holidays- that time is too valuable to me at this point. I have decided that after we move and the girls start school next Fall, I am going to get certified in Grief Counseling. I've come back to that over and over for the past year. It is something I had to do as a Pediatric Oncology nurse quite often and it was the area I felt the most equipped and comfortable in. It will allow me to work in the area God has called me to and do the thing I feel like I need to be doing. That led me to another thought. I had a few patients on the Pediatric Oncology unit that made an impact in my life permanently. I thought I would take the next few days to honor them and tell their stories. I want to share their stories as a tribute to them and also just to share the experiences I had with them with others and maybe have a positive impact on someone else through their stories. So, this week will be dedicated to the children in my heart who aren't biologically mine (not all of them have passed away). I loved all of my patients, but a few of them touched my soul and those are the ones I want to talk about. I hope I can do them justice with my renditions. I think they would be really happy that I was sharing them with other people. For now, I am pooped, so it is off to bed and up for a manic Monday in the morning. Hope everyone has a great week~

Where Is It???

Has anyone seen my mind? I think I've lost it. It's probably somewhere amongst the packing boxes and Christmas decorations and baby shower preparation stuff. Or maybe it's in the rolls of house plans or the landscape plans or the hundred thousand kitchen and bath idea books that are laying around..... All these things I am talking about are blessings, of course. It's just that we have been really blessed lately. :0) So, this Sunday I am hosting a baby shower at my house for my Hungarian friend. They have no family here and few friends (as they just moved from Florida not long ago.) So, I took it on to do a shower for her. Here. This weekend. My house currently looks like a bomb went off in it. I only took out about half of my Christmas decorations because of everything going on. Usually we really Chevy Chase it up and it is so beautifully tacky, so half is still pretty festive. I have a feeling that by the time we get close to shower hour, I am going to be throwing stuff in the dryer, under beds or wherever I can find an empty spot. Then I won't be able to find that stuff for months because I'll forget where I put it.... Oh, well. I think it'll be fun anyway. I did go out and buy some more Christmas presents today. I am usually done way before now, but the house stuff and etcetera really got me this season and I have fallen behind. I think I am going to be doing some online shopping to finish up. We are almost done, so really I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am feeling ok right now. Oh- bad news to report- Brian saw my blog about the Pedi Paws and proceeded to try it out when I was not present so I could not take pics of him. Needless to say, he has got it in a bag to be returned to Target. He says it didn't work, but I think it also had something to do with the cat's reaction..... He tried it on Willie, the most cooperative, so it must not have gone well. Hee hee. Just imagining it makes me laugh. Well- hope everyone has a good weekend. Tomorrow night is B's office Christmas party and Saturday we'll be watching the Bama/Gator game. Then the shower on Sunday! My weekend seems to be already gone......